


Crack Avengers: Conflict That Will Probably Go on for a Very Long Time (Also Known as Infinity War)

by DJSpinmasterRoss



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Not Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:26:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 2,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27431218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DJSpinmasterRoss/pseuds/DJSpinmasterRoss
Summary: =~disclaimer~=I wrote this when I was in 8th grade during my first hour typing class, every day, for one whole semester.---Oh no. Aveendgeers. Thanos and Holerry Cljlintpon bad. Must defeet. JJonfinitey stones imptoertand.. tjanos amd hillteru get stpone???///? Maybve go bad??!?!??!?1/1!??!1.1/? FInd OuT!1!!!1!!1!!-Please don't sue me, Daddy Disney.
Kudos: 2





	1. Cast

CRACK AVENGERS:  
Conflict That Will Probably Go On For A Very Long Time  
(also known as Infinity War)  
NO COPYRIGHT VERSION  
Cast  
Olivia.………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………...Crack Bucky

Olivia.…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..Crack Peter

Kenan O.………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………...Crack Steve

Kenan.……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………Crack Loki

Kenan.……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………Crack Stephen

Makenzie.…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..Crack Tony

Keegan.………………………………………………………………………………Crack Black Widow (Natasha)

Keegan.…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………...Crack Scott

Blake.…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..Crack Clint

Tyler.……………………………………...................................................................................................Crack Thanos

Tyler.……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….Crack Hulk

Tyler.………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..Crack Thor

Landon.………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………Crack T’Challa

Farah…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………...………..Hillary Clinton


	2. Scene One

Crack Steve: SO, I played golf today

Crack Bucky: lol i made a sandwich, but in Russian. (he points to the sandwich, which is sitting dismally on the table.)

(Missile blows up house) 

Crack Bucky: oh no. this is an unfortunate turn of events that nobody expected. It was very sad and nobody is happy anymore. This turn of events is sometimes characterized as a ‘plot twist’, and it is very good for some movies and TV shows, such as this one, that we are on right now.

Crack Steve: NOT THE SANDWICH!

Crack Clint: (start singing bad country songs because you are country and its country.)

Crack Bucky: Despite making up 13% of the population, blac- 

Crack Tony: Iron Man is a stage name. My real name is “Weird teenager………………trying to find myself in this world.”

(there is a very prominent pause, while we all reflect on this.)

Crack Bucky: lol gay.

(Crack Tony explodes.)

Crack Steve: We didn’t have explosions back in the 30’s

Crack Bucky: WE HAD EXPLOSIONS BACK IN THE 30’s, StEVE!

Crack Steve: WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE, YOU WIPERSNEZER

Crack Steve: So, you got detention. You messed up. You know what you did was wrong. Now, the question is, what are you going to do to fix it? Maybe you were trying to be cool. Take it from a guy who’s been locked in the ice for (insert absurd number) years. The only way to be cool, is to follow the rules. So next time those turkeys try to get you to do something that you don’t want to do, think, ‘what would Captain America do?’

Crack Captain Marvel: What too heck guys 

Crack Black Widow: (Nothing because she’s dead) (But she magically comes back to life)

Crack Hulk: WHATTTTTTTT

Crack Black Widow: MERRY CHRISTMAS

Crack Thor: Its April

(Thanos breaks in)

Crack Thanos: Where is the gravel? I am going to eat your gravel.

Crack Bucky: gravel.

DJ Khaled: He.y.

Crack Nick Fury: LOL IS THAT DJ KhLAED…….,,.,.,.,., W H Y A R E Y O U S O L O U D?

DJ Khaled: microphone. 

(There is another pause.)

Crack Bucky: Lol gay

(DJ Khaled explodes.)

(Crack Tony reappears in the form of a pickle)

Crack Tony: Look, guys. I’m PIcklE ToNy.

Crack Bucky: … 

Crack Steve: ...Well?

Crack Bucky: We are all spiraling slowly towards the sweet release of death. Everyone we know is going to cease to exist in a thousand years, and there’s nothing we can do about it. I might die right now, for all I know. You all might die right now. There is nothing we can do to stop the slow march of imminent demise. Pickle Tony is only a mere speck of life in this gargantuan universe. I am nothing. Pickle Tony is nothing. Nothing is anywhere. I am going to die.

Trey (the basketball kid): I G O T S H O O T G A M E

Crack Clint: Bruh that was DEEP

Crack Thanos: Lol I just want my gravel. 

(there is the sound of slow crunching. It is gravel. Crack Loki is eating gravel.)

Crack Loki: (crunch) Mmm gravle………..

(Crack Loki then teleports away.)

Crack Thanos: Frick.

Crack Black Widow: Hey, watch your profanity. There are kids around.

Crack Thor: I’m kids. 

Crack Peter: I am also kids. 

Crack Black Widow: I am Keegan. “Bazonga”

Crack Bucky: Lol gay.

(Crack Black Widow Explodes)

Crack Bucky: She'll be back. Probably.

Crack Steve: Why did you do that?

Crack Bucky: Bazinga is copy written by The Big Bang Theory on CBS from 8-12. CBS has also made many other shows, however the main character on this one is named Leanard and says many wacky, yet intelligent things. He likes a girl named Penny and he always tries to seduce her, but his attempts never seem to reach her heart. He is very socially awkward, which happens to get SLeanardheldon into a lot of wacky, crazy situations. 

Crack Bucky: And they always come back.

Crack Thor: Hey, you wanna go get a bite to eat from Burger Queen.

Crack Hulk: Hulk smash. 

Crack Bucky: No, Thor, you fat weinersnitchel. 

Crack Thor: What about DK. Dairy King the best………

Crack Thanos: Gravel. 

(Crack Loki Appears); I heard gravel. 

Crack Bucky: lol gay. 

(Crack Loki explodes)

Crack Thor: NOOO MY BROTHERErRErERRETRERERTRTERE.

Crack Steve: oh nO.

~end scene~


	3. Scene Two

( Setting: Avengers gathered around a campfire.)

Crack Steve: Let's gather ‘round the campfire, and sing the campfire song!

Crack Bucky: How do even know that, Steve?

Crack Tony: You’re all idiots.

Crack Steve: I watch TV.

Crack Bucky: Now you can’t go around saying that all the time, Steve. I know that Spongebob is a valuable TV show with some useful and funny references, but it has its downsides. It has a way to make adult jokes that you shouldn’t be hearing, Steve. I understand that you are trying new things, but this is hardly the time. Loki has died, Black-Widow has died, and Tony has died and became a pickle. Come on, Steve. Spongebob is also not real and has many things twisted and wrong about it. I feel like you are going to have to move on from such childish things.

Crack Steve:...... 

Crack Thor: Wow, Steve you got told.

Pickle Tony: Yeah, that was so deep, the bottom of the ocean was jealous.

(Magical Spirit appears in the midst, it is XXXtention.) 

XXXtention: MOONLIGHT  
Everyone: SPOTLIGHT

~End scene~


	4. Scene Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING - EMOTIONAL

~setting is Pickle Tony’s funeral~

Crack Steve: Saltine was one of my best friends. He was with me through everyth-

Crack Bucky: Steve, this is Tony’s funeral. 

Crack Steve: Oh no. 

Crack Bucky, sighing heavily: May I?

Crack Steve: Of course. 

Crack Bucky: Perhaps… perhaps Pickle Tony needed not to be put down. Perhaps Pickle Tony wasn’t even Tony. Perhaps Tony’s real soul is somewhere off in the cosmos. Maybe... the real Pickle Tony... is the friends we made along the way. 

(SUDDENLY, MACKLEMORE BURSTS DOWN FROM THE CLOUDS. He revives Pickle Tony.)

Pickle Tony: That was beautiful. 

Crack Bucky: Lol gay. 

(Pickle Tony turns back to Normal Tony.) 

~end scene~


	5. Scene Four

Macklemore (Just Macklemore. The singer.): I am the almighty-

(Crack Thor chops off Macklemore’s head)

Crack Thor: I A M T H O R ! S O N OF M R . C L E A N ! ! !

Crack Tony: Wait, that’s not right.

Crack Thor: Yeah it is. Can't you see the resemblance?

(Pictures of both of them play across the screen.)

Crack Steve: We didn’t have Mr.Clean back in the 30’s

Crack Bucky: Wow, Steve for once in your miniscule, worthless, American life, you’re right. We didn’t have such an advanced deity. We only had Offbrand Cleaning Man. Do you know who uses Offbrand Cleaning Man, anymore? Idiots, Steve. Idiots use Offbrand Cleaning Man. 

Crack Steve: Ouchie, that one stung. 

Pickle Macklemore: Hey look, guys. I’m Picklemore. 

(Everyone yells angrily.) 

Crack Bucky (angrily): Lol gay. 

(Picklemore explodes. There’s relish everywhere.)

Crack Peter: One feels like a duck in all this wet. 

Crack Hulk: Hulk smash. 

Crack Steve: MMMM DUCKLINGS!

Hillary Clinton: Emails………………………………Hehe…………………………………………………………………………………… 

Crack T’Challa: Wakanda. WAKANDA…. WAKA...NDA. 

Crack Bucky: Wow, T’Challa. This is a good point. We could make hot dogs and then feed them to the homeless. But at what cost? The cost of using Macklemore’s blood as the sauce? As long as we know that Macklemore is the thing that we are enhancing the flavor with, how will we gain peace? How will we feel like we’ve done something useful with our time? How will we sleep at night, knowing that we fed Macklemore’s BLOOD to DESPERATE people?

Crack T’Challa: *shrugs* Wakanda. 

(Crack Bucky just nods patriotically.)

Crack Steve: Party in the USA. 

~end scene~


	6. Scene Five

~The setting is the destroyed HQ~  
Narrator: This episode of Crack Avengers: Conflict That Will Probably Go On For A Very Long Time (Also Known As Infinity War) is brought to you by Tucan Titlewave. The Drink To Get You Flying. 

(Tucan Titlewave theme plays.   
Narrator, but more angsty: Previously on Crack Avengers: Conflict That Will Probably Go On For A Very Long Time (Also Known As Infinity War)

Hillary Clinton: Emails………………………………Hehe……………………………………………………………………………………  
Thanos: I just want my gravel.   
Narrator: There is a conflict coming… a new team is forming………. Emails will be sent and deleted. Find out what happens next on Crack Avengers: Conflict That Will Probably Go On For A Very Long Time (Also Known As Infinity War).

(The scene flashes to all the avengers, except Steve, doing things in the destroyed living room)

Crack Black Widow: Nut

Crack Hulk: S M A S H

Crack Bucky: Nut smash.

(Laugh track plays.)

Crack Black Widow: I W O N T L E A V E Y O U

Crack T’Challa: Wakanda

Crack Hulk: smash

Crack Steve: I’m baking cookies!

(A cheering track plays.) 

(Hillary and Thanos appear.)

Crack Thanos: The only thong that can defeat us now is the Kool Aid Man and Mr.Clean.

Crack Thor: But… That’s impossible… there’s… no way! The Kool Aid Man and Mr. Clean are SWORN ENEMIES!

Thanos: You will never know who defeat us

Hillary: What he said! EMAILS!

(Crack Steve throws a cookie tray at them.)

Crack Thanos: AW MAN THAT BURNS. 

Hillary: What he said! EMAILS!

Crack Scott: lol gay

(Nothing happens)

Crack Scott: Worth a shot. 

Crack Bucky: Perhaps……Pickle Tony. 

CrackTony: I am just. I am just sitting here……. Bottom text. 

Crack Thanos: No, Pickle Tony cannot defeat us. 

Hillary: What he said! EMAILS!

John WIck: Where’s my dog.,!:;’”<>]\\[!#$%^*()-=+_/?

(Subtitles appear on screen. ‘Hola, soy John Wick.’)

RelishMore: I will guideways in such confusing times. 

(Crack Steve puts excess RelishMore in Jar)

Crack Peter: Quack Quack. 

Crack Bucky: “Quack Quack” can be interpreted in many different ways, Peter. It could be the sound a duck makes… or it can be a different way to say ‘crack’... Like the TV show we are on. Quack is spelled ‘Q-U-A-C-K’, and it is used as an adjective. The word quack derives from the archaic word “Quackslaver”, of Dutch origin, literally meaning “Hawker of Slaves”. In the Middle Ages, the word quack meant “shouting”. The quackslavers sold their wares on the market using very loud voices. Crack is a drug that gives people unfortunate, bad side effects. 

Crack Peter: Ducklings…..

Crack Tony: That’s okay, take your time, Peter.

Crack Peter, frantically: DUCKLINGS!

Garfield the Cat, whose voice is the bad text to speech from this video: Try again, bub.

Crack Steve: Oh my gosh! Is that Garfeilf the Cat from the hit comic “Garfield”, written by Jim Davis and published in most American newspapers? 

Garfled the Cat: Yes.

Crack Tony: Wow, Garfnael, what are you doing in our humble abode? 

Garfinger the Cat: Lasagna. Gotta have a good meal. 

(Crack Steve runs off to make lasagna, as the deity wishes.)

Crack Bucky: Garfunkle, is there anything else we can do for you?

Crack Peter: Sounds like Dr. Suess……

Garfondle the Cat: I need to find Jonathan before I turn into a lifeless shell of what I used to be. Lasanga. 

Crack Peter: ...Yes. Yes, that’s it! We need to find the Johnfinity Stones! If we find the Johnfinity stones, we will beat Hillary Clinton and Thanos!

Thanos: Nooo! We’re blasting off, again! To Johnfinity, AND BEYOND!

Hillary: What he said! EMAILS!

(Hillary and Thanos blast off into space.)

(Crack Loki appears.)

Crack Loki: Did someone say Garfragile?

(Garfractionalizing sighs heavily.)

~End scene~


	7. Scene Six

~The setting is the road to John A.’s house~

Garflavourdynamics the Cat: We’re almost there.

(Garformularization is being carried by Crack Bucky, and is being hand-fed lasagna by Crack Steve.)

Crack Steve: Thank goodness. We have been walking for 40 miles, and this lasagna tray is starting to burn my bare hands, Garfurfuraldehyde.

Odie: R U F F 

Garfufuraldehyde: U dumb mutt. Lasagna.

John A.: Garfurfuraldehyde what are you doing here. Why are the Crack Avengers in my household? 

Crack Hulk: smash

Crack Thor: we need you to come with us. Lasagna…. Dangit that's Garfield's line

(Copyright officers stroll in) 

Copyright officers: G E T. D O W N 

Crack Thor: bruh really who has a name like Garfurfuraldehyde. 

Copyright Sheriff: we just heard from the copyright CEO your team and John A. needs to come with us.

Crack Avengers: ahhhhhhhhhh

~end scene~


	8. Scene Seven

(Crack Avengers are in jail)

Crack Bucky: John, there is something you need to know…….

John A.: Other than making a meaty lasagna. (licking lips)

Crack Bucky: No, John, you have powers. You have the power of fire. That is why your lasagna is always steaming.

Crack Thor: Yeah, man, fire axes come to your hands at will. Like MjOlnir….. 

NoobMaster69: Yes.

Korg: Wait, NOOBMASTER69…………..no

Crack Bucky: lol gay 

(NoobMaster59 blows up)

John: I can try……

( John suddenly has fire axes and full fire armor)

John: Woah, I am bambi 

Crack Tony: Dude what the heck is your thought process

Crack Steve: Mr.John with all due respect bambi is not in any way associated with fire.

John: Yeah and There is no food or drink in this jail however Captain america is looking like a snack

Crack Steve: Wow, manners isn't what it used --

Crack Bucky: SHUT UP STEVEVEVEVEVEVEVEVEVEVE

John: So I mean What am I going to do with these axes and fire?

Crack Bucky: You come with us & defeat the e-gravel

John: Ok , what about cat

Crack Bucky: He big stay 

Crack Bucky: Lol gay

(The bars of the prison explode)

Crack Steve: Why didn’t you do that while we were being taken?

Crack Bucky: Plot convenience. 

~End scene~


	9. Scene Eight

(The Final Scene.)  
(The setting is Crack Thanos’s Home Planet.) 

Crack Stephen: Youch, lookie here. Sad. 

Crack Bucky: Yes, I agree, but we should not be insulting Crack Thanos’s home, even if he’s being mean. Just because someone is being rude doesn’t mean that we get to insult someone’s home, and very livelihood, just because someone who lived there was a jerk. I wouldn’t call Wakanda gross, just because Crack T’Challa took my peanut butter and jelly sandwich. 

Crack T’Challa: Wakanda. 

Crack Steve: Well said, T’Challa. 

(Crack Bucky looks at the camera like in The Office.)

(Crack Thanos can be heard teleporting, from far away.)

Crack Tony: Most of you, hide!

(A few of them scatter into different directions, leaving Tony, Steve, Peter, and Stephen. Also that one alien chick that puts people to sleep is there, too.)

(The remaining Crack Avengers tackle Thanos.) 

Crack Thanos: No. 

(Crack Thanos snaps his fingers. He has all the John-finity stones. He’d taken them by force.)

Crack Bucky: Lol g- (He’s stopped by being snapped out of existence.)

(Most of the Avengers get snapped away, leaving Thor, Tony, Steve, Clint, Natasha, and Scott, who’s in another dimension, now, for some reason.)


	10. Credits

Written by: Kenan “Steve” O., Olivia “Bucky” M., Landon “Wakanda” F., Makenzie “Tony” M., Keegan “Natasha” R., Tyler “Thor” W., and Blake “Clint” S.

Directed by: Kenan “Steve” O. and Olivia “Bucky” M.

Filmed by: Tyler “Thor” W.

Costume and Set director: Olivia “Bucky” M.

Food Bringer: Makenzie “Tony” M.

Late Person: Farah “Spleens” R.

Special Thanks To:   
Pickle Tony, who got us through the thick and thin of writing.   
Ryan Renolds, for the crack.  
John Stamos, EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK.  
Farah Rickman, because she sucks. Spleens.  
Bullet. *grunts*  
Annoying Orange, for   
Chris Pratt, because who doesn’t want a nut.  
Chris Evans for not shavinghhh………   
Landyn Bowman, for reading Macklemore: Into The Mackleverse, and fuling this monstrosity. Barnacle Boy.  
And You. For reading this whole thing through to the end. Thank you.


	11. After Credits Scene

(All of the Crack Avengers that got snapped are chilling in the Void Where All The Lost Socks Go.)

Crack Peter: Soft…. Socks… All clean. They are all so clean. I wish Mr. Stark could see all these clean socks. There’s so many…. So many socks. So many socks. 

Crack Stephen: WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP ABOUT THE SOCKS?!

~end of end credits scene~


End file.
